you feel about me?

today, i was given a gift.

it was a copy of the December issue of the Hollywood Reporter that i'd been wanting so badly.

when at lunch with the gift-giver, we had a few very open and honest discussions.

one of them being my revelation that i used to be very clumsy and careless. the revelation was accompanied with the realization that i suffered from chronic distraction.

so, with the belief that my chronic distraction had since been cured, i carried my gift onto the subway with me. on my way home.

as i sat in the subway car, i stared at the large envelope that held the Hollywood Reporter. then i thought of the One Life to Live script that was in my bag.

and i thought how happy these two things made me feel.

then, because Deepak Chopra has been in my life lately, i immediately checked myself.

why am i putting so much value in these two physical things?

i began to imagine how i'd feel if i lost them. what if they went up in flames? if they were eaten by wolves? i managed to find a place where i would be okay with that.

then, i fell asleep.

i later woke up at my stop.

stood up, exited the train.

walked up the stairs

walked down the corridor to the elevator

got on the elevator

thanked the lady who held the door for me

walked to the back of the elevator

dug around for my gloves...

SHIT.

ahhh, SHIT, i said.

a couple of people glanced at me.

i stood still. in shock. i'd left it on the train.

now was the test, apparently.

how would i react?

and ya know, i immediately thought of the gift-giver.

how would he feel? would he be mad at me?

judge me for losing something when i just swore that i was cured?

think i was immature and irresponsible?

these thoughts continued as i approached the teller at the station.

i told her my situation, she made a call.

she was very kind and understanding.

so, i'm home now, waiting to walk back to the station to hear whether they found it or not.

and the reality of it is, if i never get it back, i'll be okay.

but somehow, i'm more worried about how the gift-giver feels about me.

wish i could wrap this up with a neat lesson.

but i don't have that. so, i'll keep digging.

(not in my bag...)