jeffrey wright's love interest

kibibi dillon

2012-01-15T13:45:00.000-05:00

my dearest friend,

i love you. from the deepest depths of my heart.

you have taught me so much. and i carry you with me

every single day.

and i will forever.

as will thousands of others.

you certainly still live on.

thank you.

used vs. celebrated

2011-11-06T08:43:00.000-05:00

a life lesson i'm in the midst of learning from my career as an actor:
if someone has something to prove to you
makes lots of promises
showers you with flowery language
and grand plans,
it's probably a lie.

they're there to use you.

i'm looking for someones who have nothing to prove.
who lay it all out in the open
and trust what they're offering is good enough
that i would want to snatch it up
and know that in the midst of that agreement
i--and we--will be celebrated along the way.

learned.

2011-07-25T16:51:00.002-04:00

praises! i'm walking.
things i learned while on crutches:

1. we're all capable of so much more.
2. helping those in need gives us purpose and peace.
3. sitting is overrated.
4. every single "can't" finds new life with a "how can i?"
5. with plenty of time to surf the net, i've found the 'missed connections' section of craigslist is so beautiful:

Dear Ex-bf - w4m - 29 (brooklyn)
I saw you places a couple of times lately and then last night I dreamt we were friends. It was lovely but still very hard.

and

You Were Crying On Madison Ave - m4w - 29 (Flatiron)
You were in a colorful dress on the corner waiting to cross, and crying pretty intensely. I asked if you were alright and needed anything, and I couldn't make out what you said had happened. I would have offered you my umbrella from the rain, if I had one to offer. I hope you're alright and whatever happened passes. Bad things happen to all of us, it's what we take away from it and do afterwards that matters. Good luck to you.

when

2011-07-10T00:24:00.002-04:00

three weeks ago, my right leg slipped into a gap between the platform and the train at Times Square 42nd street in NYC.
it happened so quickly, and i was halfway on the train, so i pulled my leg out, onto the train, and the doors closed.

the average new yorker is has stared at this sign on the subway on a consistent basis:

...and the average new yorker knows that people don't step in the gap.

i mean, why would they do that?

well, that shit happens.

went to the emergency room, was admitted to the hospital, been on crutches for 3 weeks.

whole nine.

waiting my spot in the emergency purgatory room of doom

'fall risk' indeed.

and when i almost fainted, they saved me by poking this thing in my arm and leaving it there to torture me til i was discharged.

thank baby Jesus i had an amazing view to keep me sane and grateful.

it's been almost 3 weeks, and everyone keeps asking when i'll be better.

'when will you be off the crutches?'

'when will you walk again?'

'when will you be miraculously healed and the 7-inch hemotoma melt away into oblivion?'

i don't know.

i mean, when do we ever know when?

if we knew when, we'd spend much more time with loved ones before they exit.

we'd freshen our breath before we bumped into the love of our life.

we'd walk very slowly over a gap and through a subway door.

but if we always know when, what's the point of living?

guess we're constantly being prepared for whenever when happens.

i'm beginning to find peace with it, though ya'll ruin it every time you ask.

so stop asking.

because i don't know.

oprah.

2011-05-25T17:12:00.000-04:00

i love this woman.
i'm not ashamed to say it and i'll never renege.
i believe that people who don't like her haven't spent enough time watching her.

i'm very sad to see her go. sad that my future children will never watch her on TV.
(well, unless i buy the box sets of DVDS)

i once wrote to oprah, asking that she help me meet one of my childhood idols, Merlin Santana.
(just google him, it hurts to explain..)
i wish i'd gotten this reponse:

peace out, oprah.

random rambling rant

2011-05-14T10:48:00.002-04:00

i'm sitting in the Marriott Renaissance Inn in Montgomery, AL

the morning of the Southern Writers Project's reading of

John Walch and Nile Rodger's new musical, "Doubletime".

Nile's Blog

the show's been around for years, so i've come into it later in the process,

but it's been a huge blessing nonetheless.

these 10 days at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival have been
such a welcome break from ALL that i left in new york,
including an apartment flood and a few situations i needed space from
in order to gain perspective.

however, i've also confirmed that my life doesn't leave me simply because i've left.

wherever i go, there goes my life. it's always with me.
no running, no hiding, no pushing to the side.
and that's comforting. i wouldn't ever want to run away from my life.
i would want to face it head on. deal with what's in front of me.
and have been trying to lately, more so than before.
it's taking a while for me to get the hang of it, because i'm 20+ years out of practice.

but what brings me comfort is knowing how much of what i'm experiencing
i've created myself.
through my fears, my passions, and my past, i've created it all.

.....or have i?
to believe in predestiny or not? hmm.

i DO know that lately, the more honest i am with myself,
the better off i've been.
the more i allow myself to feel what i'm feeling,
to express and communicate what i'm thinking,
the freer i am.
so that's a start.

i truly do want to be the best possible version of me.
i hope and pray that i'm closer today than i was yesterday.

the audience

2011-04-12T00:10:00.003-04:00

new york artist
claims deep and subtle
so timely, relevant
concerned, guttoral.

new york artist
writes you for me
for i and she
so, woe is we.

new york artist
starves to create
work hard, soft play
no charge, fugg pay

new york artist
gets cast, is blast
earns fast, broadcast
now past is passed

new york artist
forgets the heart
ignores the art
archives the start

new york artist
drops the cause
for haute applause
thy kingdom calls

new york artist
neglects the slums
forgets the bums
then splits the tongue;

the mouf can't eat
the eyes caint read
our people can't see
for them we bleed

they can't afford
the work we bore
for them, i'm sure

if not,
who for?

back to jeffrey.

2011-03-23T21:49:00.000-04:00

oscarmentor

2011-03-03T10:21:00.004-05:00

i was once excited b/c i thought i'd finally landed a 'mentor'.
the post is short: here

she won an oscar on sunday, so that may now be out of reach. :)
her name was announced, i lept up and jumped around, giddy, elated, in awe. she is amazing. i'm glad now the world acknowledges.

then, i began feeling a soft sense of loss. wondered what that feeling was. that thing we feel once we begin to see someone we know launch towards stardom.

fear of losing contact with them? becoming small and insignificant to someone whom you were once something bigger? whatever it be, i believe at the heart of it is the desire to be loved.

but either way, i am elated for her.
i trust a mentor will come when he or she is supposed to appear. for now, i celebrate with her from afar!

cliché, but:

2011-02-26T22:45:00.001-05:00

this

plus this

have been very good to me lately.
some of my friends have judged.
i forgive them. :)

yes.

2011-02-08T15:51:00.001-05:00

as soon as i stopped stressing about the lost magazine (see last post),
i began to search for a solution.

why not call the Hollywood Reporter and see if you can order a back issue?

so, i did just that.
only 5.95.

there is always an answer. there is always a yes.
from this point on, i will spend less time on the problem, and earnestly search for the yes.

you feel about me?

2011-02-02T13:56:00.007-05:00

today, i was given a gift.

it was a copy of the December issue of the Hollywood Reporter that i'd been wanting so badly.

when at lunch with the gift-giver, we had a few very open and honest discussions.

one of them being my revelation that i used to be very clumsy and careless. the revelation was accompanied with the realization that i suffered from chronic distraction.

so, with the belief that my chronic distraction had since been cured, i carried my gift onto the subway with me. on my way home.

as i sat in the subway car, i stared at the large envelope that held the Hollywood Reporter. then i thought of the One Life to Live script that was in my bag.

and i thought how happy these two things made me feel.

then, because Deepak Chopra has been in my life lately, i immediately checked myself.

why am i putting so much value in these two physical things?

i began to imagine how i'd feel if i lost them. what if they went up in flames? if they were eaten by wolves? i managed to find a place where i would be okay with that.

then, i fell asleep.

i later woke up at my stop.

stood up, exited the train.

walked up the stairs

walked down the corridor to the elevator

got on the elevator

thanked the lady who held the door for me

walked to the back of the elevator

dug around for my gloves...

SHIT.

ahhh, SHIT, i said.

a couple of people glanced at me.

i stood still. in shock. i'd left it on the train.

now was the test, apparently.

how would i react?

and ya know, i immediately thought of the gift-giver.

how would he feel? would he be mad at me?

judge me for losing something when i just swore that i was cured?

think i was immature and irresponsible?

these thoughts continued as i approached the teller at the station.

i told her my situation, she made a call.

she was very kind and understanding.

so, i'm home now, waiting to walk back to the station to hear whether they found it or not.

and the reality of it is, if i never get it back, i'll be okay.

but somehow, i'm more worried about how the gift-giver feels about me.

wish i could wrap this up with a neat lesson.

but i don't have that. so, i'll keep digging.

(not in my bag...)

james earl jones, @yrservice

2010-12-02T19:12:00.012-05:00

today, a friend reminded me of a lesson i've learned while cruising through this world of acting.
goes like this.

many, many months ago, i had the honor of being a featured vocalist at an annual fundraiser for Paul Newman's Westport Country Playhouse. thanks to the incomparable Q Smith, i was onstage with amazingness:(mm-hm. Julia Roberts.)
after the event, all the performers and guests were invited to an AMAZING catered dinner.
there was a buzz at my table, then i heard the news.
James Earl Jones was at the table next to us.
a beat non-skipped, i went over to introduce myself and have a brief chat. took a photo:

and that was that.
J.E.J. and me.
sitting side by side.
eating the same food.
sharing in the same celebration.

..... ..... ..... fast forward ..... ..... .....

two weeks later, i was on a catering job.
if you've read earlier blogs (see this one), you know i quit that craziness.

i was in the kitchen before the guests arrived. my captain brought word there were a couple of early guests and i should go pour them water.
ugh. even the action of pouring someone else water got to me.
i walked out with the water.saw them sitting with their backs to me.
walked over.
so,
it was J.E.J. and his wife.
hm.

i wrestled with what to say, but before i could say anything, he recognized me.
i joked about catering and being an actor, poured their water, and went back into the kitchen.

the rest of the night, i couldn't shake the feeling of humility and revelation.
dining with him one day, serving him the next.
jesus washing the disciples feet.
.......vanilla ice hosting a home improvement show.

i was reminded to respect any and every one that crossed my path.
especially those serving me.
we are all on equal ground. no matter the pomp and circumstance that may momentarily ride our coattails.

shoot. i betchu, sometime next year, J.E.J. will be pouring me water.mm-hm. yep.

new team member #2: mentor

2010-11-15T10:42:00.002-05:00

how have i gone so long without mentorship?
i've asked a couple, but it never panned out.

finally asked one a bit out of my league, but she agreed.
i'm ELATED.
hoping and praying this one sticks.

first jeffrey sighting: the results

2010-11-02T09:41:00.003-04:00

well, i'm embarrassed.
i'm very, very sad.
hurt and disappointed.
surprised and afraid.

i hope you don't judge me.
and i hope one day i'll be able to make it up.
to myself, to you and to Big Jeff.

i walked out.

ehhhhhhhhhhh. yes......
it was that bad.
(not Big Jeff, just the production.)
but as i was walking, i felt not so good. like i should at least see it through. sit back down and bear it, just because of the friggin principle.
my first time seeing my favorite actor onstage, and i leave?
WTF? it's kind of ridiculous! and now makes me very mad!!!
so i can't think about it.
and i have to find the humor in it.
it is quite ironic.

so i'll just have to laugh about it.
and wait for the next time...
and laugh as i tell the story while i'm on set as Big Jeff's love interest.

but i believe there was definitely a piece of me that was crushed.
i wanted so bad for it to be amazing. for me to continue to float on the Wright cloud.
so having to step down onto hard gravel and stare a white wig-haired Jeff in the face
hurts a little.
i suppose if i look for the lesson in it, i find a few.
one of them being no matter how amazing one is, they can still be drowned in crap.

i still love you, Big Jeff. but that damn play... sheesh.

first jeffrey sighting

2010-10-24T11:09:00.003-04:00

next saturday, i'm going to see Big Jeff onstage.
and i can't help but think i should send him a note backstage.
or a huge bouquet of flowers.
or burst through the stage door with an uzi, take out the security, and make a beeline for his dressing room.
then my censor brain cells tell me that's stalkerish.
then my passion cells tell me it's an opportunity.
then my business cells tell me he won't be receptive.
then my passion cells overrule.

whatever my cells decide, i can't wait to see it:

new team member #1: sirensong

2010-10-17T23:11:00.000-04:00

i have a new manager.
and i'm excited about her.

the end.

vollmond

2010-10-11T10:03:00.010-04:00

this past weekend, i saw pina bausch's dance company at BAM.
i wept and wept.
sitting there watching, i wept.
in the bathroom after, i wept.
when i got home, i wept.

it was one of--if not the--most amazing
dance performances i've ever seen.
and i believe i've seen a lot.
(i still love you, pilobolus.)

there was such a sense of absolute freedom
that seems to be buried and lost in adulthood
that they captured onstage. with water.

it reminded me why i chose the path i chose.
it renewed me, gave me hope and inspiration.
and was the final push to get me back in dance classes.
i'm starting again this week.

i can't explain the amazingness. so here's the trailer:

thank you, thank you A.B. for taking me.

2010-10-04T18:52:00.011-04:00

second-string (-striŋ′)
adjective
1. that is the second or a substitute choice for play at the specified position
2. subordinate or inferior in rank, importance, etc.

ouch! who would EVER want to be anyone's second string?
imagine if after Jesus gave up his life being whipped for hours upon end and hung on a wooden cross for the human race, God said, "ah, son. i appreciate you. you took one for the team, but i'm gonna to keep you in your tomb and resurrect Simon Saul over here and make him Savior."

and even worse, who would EVER want to think they're first string, then get violently and unapologetically shoved to second?

in the acting world, for those who aren't in it, many call this a part of "the business".
been promised a role but get replaced by a celebrity? "well, that's the business."
been workshopping a play for years for no pay, then the production finally gets financed and your role is given to someone prettier and younger? "the business."

i'm learning that it happens to us all.
so now, i'm trying to learn how to deal with it without developing ulcers.

i do not want this to be a pity party.
it is, instead, a log of lessons learned.
and before i list the lessons, here's the beginning of me further educating myself:

below are a few of my stories.
this could be a long one. might wanna grab a bowl of kettle corn.

one.
coupla years ago, there was a Broadway show for which I was fortunate enough to get an audition for from an online self-submission. never happens. figured it must've been fate calling. it was an understudy for the lead role.
went in, read for this big time director, who we'll just call "Deb". it seemed to go well, but i figured my chances were nil and kept moving.
that night, the casting director calls. Deb wanted to see me for a match up, which entails me standing next to the other star of the play, famous actor that we'll just call "Terry".
I. AM. ECSTATIC.

next day, i go in. there are only 3 of us up for this role. (what?)
Terry walks in with all his fineness.
we take turns standing next to him.
Deb: "Mmhm. Mmhm. Mmhm. Okay, thank you Terry."

we leave the room.

5 minutes later.
Casting director: "You're all amazing. You're all winners, but we're going to let one of you go."
Me: *breathing heavy*
Casting director: "Actress #1, we're going to let you go."
awkward silence as #1 gathers her things to leave.

two of us left.
we read sides again.

we leave.
we exchange numbers.

later that day...
I get a voicemail from Actress #2: "I just wanted to congratulate you!"
Me: *GASP*
#2: "I found out I didn't get the role!"
Me: **GASP**
#2: "Give me a call when you can!"
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can barely contain myself as i call her (but wonder in the back of my mind why they haven't called me yet).

after years of struggling, I'd finally grabbed hold of something tangible to hand to my mother. my father. my little cousins in florida. that teacher in undergrad who said i would'nt make it to Broadway. finally. i cried many tears of joy.

later that night...
still no call.

the next morning...
still no call.

the next day...the next day...and the next.
no. call.

so I call.
Casting director: "You have such a great talent, and we thank you so much for coming in to audition...."
Me: (Ah. ok.)

being the sensitive puppy that I am, cried for about 3 days.
how swiftly those tears of joy turned to sorrow.

3 weeks later, sweet and considerate Actress #2 calls:
"you'll never believe who they cast as the understudy."
Me: "who?"
#2: "Actress #1."
Me: *gasp*
#2: "and they cast me as the second understudy."
....Me: ...*gasp*...

two.
so, auditioned for a student film.
got the job.
was ECSTATIC.
(shoulda learned from story 1 about getting ecstatic.)
began doing research, studying lines.

2 days later, director calls.
stupid student director: "I'm so sorry to do this, but I'm going to give this role to a good friend of mine instead."
Me: ......(what.)
stupid student director: "I'm so sorry."

three.
years ago, I was cast as the lead in my first Equity job.
it was the job that landed me my equity card.
but it was a children's show.
though i didn't mind...I love children.
but i certainly spent a lot of time unloading, building, and loading sets.

went through a couple rewrites of the script.
worked on music til i lost my voice.
even did a full production of a more mature version of the script.

all in all, spent a lot of time (years, actually) for VERY little money, if any at all.
became good friends with the writer, director, cast, producer...

the same producer, in fact, that replaced me with a Broadway actress.
oh, miss producer smiled in my face after shows.
she told me how wonderful it all was.
i appreciated her. and thought she appreciated me.

but as soon as there was more interest in the show, i was the first to be booted.
and unfortunately, wasn't even told.
by no one. folks i thought i'd become friends with.

when it was time for the next production to begin with the Broadway actress in the lead,
the director was apparently afraid i'd find out.
so he emailed me a short apology.
last time i heard from him.

four.
workshopped a script for 4 years.
seriously.
4 years.
never...ever...got a check.

the script finally got some attention, and i was replaced.
by a Broadway actress.

........truly, i could continue.
but you get the picture.

i am glad these experiences came my way.
they have each made me stronger.
and taught me that i need to be smart, know the business,
and build a good team.
next blog will be about them apples.
the team, that is.

♥

2010-08-27T07:44:00.005-04:00

everyone loves a celebrity.
shoot, you know i love big jeff.

but i've also been inspired beyond belief by non-celebs.
i've either watched them in awe,
shared the stage with them,
read something they wrote, saw something they made,
or simply stalked them until they became my friend.

here's my ode to a few:

actors
billy eugene jones
de'adre aziza
marty lamar
judy jerome
geno segers
zainab jah
christopher burris (also amazing director)

filmmakers
keith davis
jamund washington

musicians
curtis stewart

teacher/dancer
myra daleng

i love you all in different ways
and for various reasons.
thank you for what you've shown me.

2010-08-26T11:18:00.006-04:00

the LAByrinth Theater Company asked me to come back and read a play for their annual company intensive. i was friggin excited. and honored.
the company members travel upstate and workshop 40-something plays for 2 weeks to flesh out their season.
i had the honor of working with John Ortiz (as director) and Melissa Leo (from Treme).
John was such an attentive, specific and empowering director.
...and Melissa! absolutely amazing to watch, fantastic to read with, and quite seamless.
another experience this summer i was beyond blessed to share.

(photo: my view of Melissa, Ned Benson [the playwright] and John in rehearsal)

what keeps me going - part 4

2010-08-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

Hi Ms. McClyde,

I am writing this email to ask if there was some way that I could obtain an autograph picture from you. I think you are such a beautiful actress and I would be so happy and grateful to obtain your autograph picture, especially if it was personalized to me!!! Do you have a fan mail address that I could mail my request to with a self-addressed stamped envelope? I know you are extremely busy but I would TRULY, TRULY appreciate it!!! Thank you so much for your time!

Aloha,

J.T.

what keeps me going - part 3

2010-08-09T16:26:00.001-04:00

though i'm not physically close
they still call me aunt nedra.

faithleap

2010-08-02T15:32:00.006-04:00

i learned this week that
hesitation murders possibility.

what keeps me going - part 2

2010-07-26T17:35:00.001-04:00

what keeps me going - part 1

2010-07-19T09:10:00.001-04:00

Hello my name is Shane Elizabeth. I am a fan of Nedra McClyde. I enjoyed her work on the tv show called "As the World Turns". The reason I am writing is to ask for an autographed picture. I would like one for my collection.

P.S. Is there any charge for an autographed photo?
Thanks

ready, already

2010-07-09T20:22:00.006-04:00

i look forward to more people taking a chance on me.

...or maybe i should take more chances first.

2010-07-04T10:04:00.004-04:00

my mama always said

'the squeaky wheel gets the oil'

i pledge to be squeaky this week.

gut following

2010-06-22T20:01:00.013-04:00

when conflicts arise, i've got no idea how to handle them.
i try to make the best of them, but i'm always afraid of burning a bridge.

at this very moment, i'm sitting in my studio in brooklyn.
just this morning, i was upstate at the Labyrinth Theatre Intensive Ensemble.
why am i back in brooklyn, you may ask?

well, i was fortunate enough to get a "callback" for the ABC Diversity Showcase.
why do i use quotations around "callback," you may ask?

well, i didn't have a first audition.
so when i got the call for said "callback", you can imagine my initial shock, then disbelief (asking myself, 'could there be another Nedra McClyde in new york?'), then acceptance.

i accepted the callback. on the same day i was supposed to be upstate at the intensive that i've been hyped about. the intensive i was already loving on the first day. in the moment, my mouth just said 'yes'. i suppose went with my gut.

SO! therein lies the conflict.

now, i've got to either:
a. leave the LAB to go back to New York on the second day of the intensive, or
b. call ABC back (ha! no pun intended) and renege on the "callback".

what to do?
before you answer, consider:
- ABC is right up there near the top of my list.
- i'd give almost anything so my grandparents can see me on TV.
- i love ABC
- i'm in love with ABC

your answer?

so i spend several hours being very anxious about telling the LAB folks i'm leaving.
i broke the news.
didn't seem to go over too well. :-/

i left at 6am in the morning. a cab to amtrak. amtrak to subway. subway home.
got the hair done.
studied lines more.
got dressed.

the audition lasted about 2 minutes. went very well. that's all i could've asked for.

but then, i had to wait to hear if i made it to final callbacks.
hours passed. the last train back upstate is close at hand.......

ha! i just got the call as i was writing this.
the news wasn't a final callback, but the news was great.
and i'm fortunate enough to spend the rest of the week upstate.

that gut is always right. kinda like my mama.

♥

separation: one degree

2010-05-12T12:28:00.000-04:00

awwwwww shizzznit!!

i'm approximately 5 degrees closer to Big Jeff!

i'll be a part of the 2010 Labyrinth Theatre Intensive Ensemble
and Big J. Wright has worked at the Public...
ding ding!
a stretch. but in my fun mental chambers, 5 degrees have been gained.

The Intensive Ensemble

being a little naked

2010-03-24T09:55:00.001-04:00

the secret..
deepak chopra..
meditation..

oprah..

they all say i should envision it. write it down. make a vision board. i've done all of that.
still doing it, but i guess i should share it to really make it real.
because we all know quantum physics tells us molecules change behavior once they know they're being observed.
and gotdernit if i have to spend one more day thinking positive thoughts after i haven't booked something, imma move back to maryland and start a family.

goal 1: two oscars
(...stop making that face...)

goal 2: reach people worldwide

goal 3: work with jeffrey. just in case you didn't know.

so many more, but this is all i'd like to share.
thanks.

'every day, i am comforted in knowing that i'm doing what i love. i'm doing what i was meant to do.' -me

the table of trust

2010-01-12T13:37:00.005-05:00

i was once heartbroken so badly, it took a few years to truly get over it. and it only took a few years because he came back into my life. if he hadn't, i'd still be walking around in baggy gray sweatpants not speaking to anyone.

so, MAN!!! these past two weeks, i've been dealing with some serious hb again. it is not fun.
as i was moping through the variety mart in brooklyn heights looking for a card table for my birthday party this weekend, the salesman kept seemingly trying to make me smile. or maybe he just really wanted me to buy a table.
after he tied a nice string-concoction around the box for me to carry it easier, he asked what i do. i told him i was an actor. he smiled and started talking about his actor-friends and the actors he's coached. i was impressed. as i walked out the glass door, he said
"just remember, trust. that's the word for you today: trust."
i smiled and thanked him (and i really meant it, because he seemed to care, which touched me).

as i limped down the street in heels with the table under one arm, i thought about what the universe might be trying to tell me through his words. then i decided not to think about it and just to trust. and already, i'm understanding that somehow, i needed this hb. and i'll not wish he'll come back, but trust he's not supposed to be here.

...and somehow i'll apply this to acting too, but i ain't concerned with all that right now.

tatiana says "inspiration"

2009-08-22T23:55:00.001-04:00

i am floating.....
i am so highhhhhhhhh.....
flying above the clouds and conversing with God.
smelling the sweet breath of passion and bathing in art.
forgive me for my cliché artistic ramblings, but i am truly inspired tonight.
my sense of humor is currently on vacation--i do apologize.
but this is some serious shit right here and now.

i've just left mtc where i saw ruined--finally--and it has touched my soul.
so much so that i bowed to k. mambo and damn near cried as i was walking down the street, reflecting with my dear friend tatiana. --->

the last time i felt so inspired was when the lights came up after curtain call on august osage county. hands down, the best work i've seen in my life. only some twenty-odd years, but long enough to see many plays. i wept and wept..out of joy.

(back to tonight) and to top it off, i met one of my favorite actresses and her amazing husband, robin thicke. as i sat waiting for mambo and boothe, i kept looking at this woman thinking, "she looks a lot like paula patton." then robin came in and sat beside her. i immediately excused myself and told her how i felt about her work. they stood, shook my hand, we conversed. (methinks: gotdern! they're so nice! what? what is this?! why is this day so perfect?)
tatiana says it's inspiration. sent to me...because i must need it.
by God, she's right.

aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! so high. so happy. this has truly been my best summer ever.
i've traveled, i've searched, i've laughed uncontrollably far too many times to count. i've cried.
i've learned my grandmother's kidney is a house for cancer. but only her kidney. it'll be gone in september.
i've learned my cousin is addicted to drugs and is stealing from my grandmother. and i used to look up to him. he's the oldest cousin. i grew up admiring his rat tail.
martha's vineyard was very good to me.
my hair is growing. more and more natural.
i go to the highline on the westside every chance i get.
i saw kanye. he has long arms.
i ran into malcolm jamal warner. he smiled and said hello, a guitar slung around his back.
i claim to not get star-struck.
but i do.
they're just people, i tell myself.
but extraordinary people.
can i not admire their.....ohhhhh, shit! i got my first piece of fan mail.
she emailed me, asking for an autographed headshot.
left it in my inbox for weeks.
it stood there, staring at me.
"wtf am i supposed to do with this? i'm a struggling actor! i don't have fans yet."
maybe more inspiration, eh, tatiana?
i finally wrote back. mailed a headshot. forwarded the email to my parents.
"see? this is what keeps me going," i told them.
they probably think new york's gotten to my head. i don't know. i feel so far away from them now. am i morphing into someone they soon won't recognize?

enough!!!
time to rest.
my eyes will close with a smile on my face.
i will dream of dreams fulfilled as "lost without you" echoes in my head.
and i'll wake up inspired.

poor-elitist

2009-08-05T20:28:00.001-04:00

what in the sam hell am i doing?
i quit catering to pursue a career in the NY theater scene?
craziness.

i wasn't thinking.
i'm still serving rich bitches! (...see May post)
i've hoodwinked my own damn self.

i've decided in the past few weeks to switch gears. i have the NY public school system and the projects of Brooklyn and Harlem to thank for this. after working with kids for the past few years, i've realized the wealthy theater goer doesn't really benefit much from me.

clarification:
..if i were to ever be so lucky to land Aida or Nala or Maima (yes, i really want this role in Eclipsed. i've chased it. no more.), i'd entertain rich bitches for 2 hours of their lives.
..but if i really delve into the depths of my soul and ask myself why i do what i do, it's not for them. it's for those who wouldn't otherwise be exposed to theater. exposed to their lives onstage. exposed to another ways of fully and freely expressing themselves.
..the underprivileged. the needy. the poor. whatever we call them. just not the weathly.

call me poor-elitist. so be it.

i'm all over the place, i know.
my point is this: the recession has afforded me time to breathe. to analyze what i'm chasing. i've been speaking with friends whose work i admire.
and i've decided to collaborate with two of them. on two separate projects.
and hopefully more in the future.
and they won't be for rich bitches.
(though i love ya'll. *pound* to all my r.b.'s)

catering is looking awfully tempting..

2009-06-10T09:17:00.000-04:00

i had an audition last week at 10am for the a new musical about a well known african american performer.
"this is something i could really see myself doing," i thought.
got the sides, picked a song.
spent a good deal of time and missed a friend's show the night before to memorize the sides.
did some research on the character.
my manager wrote in an email, "let's book this one." and i thought, "he's never said that before. surely, this must be a sign. i think i have a good chance at this."

the day before the audition, i got a call that my appointment was moved to 1pm.
it was a bit of a problem because i'd bought a ticket out of town for 11:30am.
but, as we actors always do, i made a sacrifice to accommodate everyone else but myself.

the next day, i packed and headed to the 1pm audition, vocally warmed up and off book.
put on my special dress and shoes, and waited outside the room.

as i was sitting there, the casting director walks out of the room, looks at me strangely, and walks over to me. "hm. hi nedra. there must've been some kind of mistake", as she flips through some pages. "i had you down for 11:30. i don't know if something happened or..." (looking at me to apologize for being late, perhaps?)
me: uh...
her: i don't know if something happened...
me: um...i was told my appointment was at 1pm.
her: oh, wow. there must've been some kind of mixup.
me: (staring at her)
her: (awkward flip through pages) we'd see you now, but we just took a lunch break. everyone just left the room and won't be back until 2pm.
me: well i'll call my manager and see what happened.
her: ok.

she walks back into the audition room.
i'm pretty peeved. i postponed my trip for this. now i have to wait another hour?
i quickly get over it and call my manager. he suggests i ask if they can see me right after lunch.
she comes back out of the room.
her: so, the dance call starts at 2pm.
me: ok...
her: so, you can do the dance call and sing after.
me: (very nervous about dance calls...) how long is the dance call?
her: about an hour. they'll teach for half an hour and you dance for half.
me: (pleasantly surprised..this sounds easy) oh! ok, great.
her: ok, great. thank you.
me: thank you!

i pick up my heavy ass luggage and go kill an hour.
i come back with my heavy ass luggage.
there's a hallway full of dancers.
leotards, character shoes, neat hair, stretching.
i try not to worry. i'm one of the first to happily scurry into the room. since the team hadn't met me yet, i wanted them to at least see me for a second more.

what ensued for the next 2 hours was one of the most embarassing, nerve-wracking, very very sad experiences of my auditioning career. if i went into detail here, we'd have a novel on our hands.
just know that halfway through, i was near tears thinking, "i really just want to leave. there's no way they're going to cast me in this show. why are they keeping us all here? can't they tell who they want by now?"
and i must share this moment:
after 30 minutes, we were all sweating. one amazing dancer in particular was sweating profusely. but she was so amazing and obviously getting cast in this show that it didn't matter. everytime we had 2 seconds to breathe, she'd say, "oh my gawd. i so shouldn't have worn black velvet." we'd all be panting, staring at her. "i'm sweating like a pig! ugh! note to self: don't wear black velvet." so at about an hour and a half, she needed to redo her hair. i'm standing next to her. as she whips her hair around and around back into a neat bun, her sweat flings right onto my face and shoulders. "oh! i'm not getting my sweat on you, am i?"
at this point, i'm too emotional to talk to anyone. i might burst. so i smile and shake my head 'no'.
she keeps flinging. i experience her sweat. maybe it'll help me remember some of these complicated, fast ass dance steps.
it doesn't.

after 2 hours of hell and an annoying ass director barking at us, "come on, ladies! at least look like you're having fun! you look like you're thinking about the dance steps!!"
(well, dude, we ARE!!!!!! we just learned them 4 seconds ago!!! why don't you get your ass off that stool and dance your damn self!!!)

sorry...tangent...

after 2 hours of hell, they tell us to wait in the hallway.
really? they're going to jeopardize more of my time and not pay me for it?
i'm pissed.
i go to the bathroom and cry, but try not to let it all out because i need to call a close friend to really let loose. (fyi, never get that luxury.)
i go sit in the hallway and wait. because they don't care about what we have to do with our lives. they just want to cast their show.
then i remember, i still have to sing and read sides!
should i go put back on my special dress?
no, i don't want to miss whatever it is they say to us.
15 minutes pass.
(really? at this point, i'm afraid i'll miss my last opportunity to leave town.)
the casting director comes out of the room.
"thank you all for being here. there are a couple of you i need to speak with (surely, this must mean me) and a few we'd like to see in the room."
she reads out four names.
she never looks my way.
my heart drops.
she whips back around, walks into the room and shuts the door.
i sit there.
the other girls pick up their things and quickly leave.
i sit there.
the four names she called walk into the audition room.
i sit there.
i look at my special dress hanging out of one of my heavy ass bags.
i sit there.
i stare at my heavy ass song book in one of my heavy ass bags.
i sit there.
i touch my sweated-out hair that i'd gotten up early that morning to get done for this audition.
i sit there.

then i figure, i'd better hurry so i can get out of town.

only the weak chase money

2009-05-05T22:07:00.001-04:00

tonight i decided to stop catering.

yes, i cater. it's one of my 5 jobs. well, at least it was. i'd always hated it more than my coworkers, or maybe they were better at hiding their disdain than i was.

tonight, while serving rich bitches at a party on park ave, i thought to myself, "i can only take one more rich bitch shooing me away because she doesn't want an eggplant roulade with mozzarella and roasted peppers."

and when i told my captain i was "sick" (...what? i was...), he told me he needed me because he was short staffed. never asked if i was okay, never offered anything, not even health insurance. i decided then that i was done. i was so sick of it all that i went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out sitting on a porcelain bidet.

i had an epiphany on that smooth operator: all this time, i've been serving the wrong people.

so! out with catering, in with habitat for humanity, nordoff robins and milliontreesnyc.
wtf have i been thinking? i was chasing money like all those rich bitches instead of listening to my heart. i must admit, i had 2nd thoughts when i opened the tip envelope the Head rich bitch gave me for 3 hours of work. but i'll take it as a hefty parting gift.

tsk, tsk, nedra. only the weak chase money. they have no heart to chase anything else.

"Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential." - Barack Obama

blog title explained.

2009-04-18T20:49:00.000-04:00

yes, jeffrey wright's face is on my vision board. as you know, every actor must have one. especially if you've got a vision.

i made sure to find a picture of him where he was looking ---> straight into the camera, very earnestly. like he was open to me and eager to work together (as lovers, perhaps). trust, i'll alert you when that day comes.

i chose big jeff because of his artistry. the man's a genius (and i've heard a lot of crazy...er...genius stories). because of this, i've concluded that we belong together on screen.
i only want to work with geniuses, so after them i go.

this blog will follow said journey.
and--on a more serious note--my journey to fulfill my purpose as a performer, a giver and a lover.
up, up and away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!